Juggalo Dating 101 — The Insane Clown Posse’s Unauthorized Guide to Online Dating
“Don’t worry sugartush, there is someone for everyone.” — Excerpt from an email our mom sent us today.
If you’ve somehow missed this until now, a Juggalo (or Juggalette) is the name used by fans of the Insane Clown Posse. They paint their faces, wear mall-metal uniforms, and are, for all intents and purposes, “Down With The Clown.” They’re also really into Faygo soda.
To each sugartush his/her own, right? Some matches are harder than others though, and from where we’re sitting, Juggalos/ettes could probably use some help finding a partner in this big sea of mostly un-painted faces. That’s why we’ve put together a few Juggalo dating tips, with the help of some images from the genius Tumblr OKCupid Juggalos.
Always remember, friends. Love is a…Miracle:
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Online Dating Tips for Juggalos:
Use Good, Clear Photos
In the world of online dating, visuals are a powerful tool. Make sure to include a balanced amount of clear photos of your face, as well as some pictures that give visitors an idea of what the rest of you looks like. Also, maybe don’t tell them that you eat the free samples from pet stores, because what could that possibly mean?
Be Upfront About Your Core Beliefs
Fundemental differences are often the catalyst for strife in a relationship, be it religion, the desire for a family, or a requirement that each holiday be celebrated by slathering a thick layer of children’s poster paint into each pore of your face. If you know that you have a non-negotiable, express it early and avoid trouble. Whoop whoop, Juggalo family?
Highlight Your Strengths
Stack your online profile with an explanation of what you like, what you’re good at, and what you’re excited about doing in the future. No dude, we know you like ICP a whole lot. They’re great, sure. How about other than that, you know? Sex and ICP, got it.
Editor’s Note: The caption of this photograph combined with his smirk makes it a threat, not a promise.
It’s pretty common knowledge that the official soda of the Juggalo…movement(?) is Faygo, but did you know that the officlal motto of the group was recently changed to “Y.O.L.O?” That’s not true, but it’s a good rule of thumb for online dating in general.
Eventually, the people you are dating will find out who you really are, so there’s no sense in hiding too much. Although, maybe hold back a bit more than this dude? Just for a little while, we know you like to express yourself.
This guy followed every single one of the rules, I think we need a new strategy.
…Or maybe we just need to adopt a possum.