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Yellowstone Super Volcano Could Be Delayed By Sacrificing A Stupid Tourist Every Year [SATIRE]

Ulet Ifansasti, Getty Images
Ulet Ifansasti, Getty Images

Dating back to the ancient Greeks in 430 B.C., civilizations around the world have offered up sacrifices to appease the gods.

Approximately 2 million years earlier, a series of eruptions formed a massive caldera under the area we now call Yellowstone National Park. Scientists estimate the last eruption of the so-called “Super Volcano” occurred nearly 640,000 years ago.

Unfortunately for the entire continent of North America, we could be due for another eruption. A recent University of Utah study that noted “size of the magma body beneath Yellowstone is significantly larger than had been thought.”

Clearly, we need all the help we can get to help keep the Super Volcano from blowing its top during our lifetimes. Perhaps we should offer up another sacrifice to the heavens.

In ancient times, the weakest person in the village was given to the gods. These days, the weakest links are stupid tourists who endanger wildlife and desecrate nature in their quest for the “perfect selfie.”

If our society reverted back to ancient rituals, it only makes sense to start with the tourons. And since the super volcano has been brewing for a couple million years, we can probably get by with sacrificing just one “touron” annually.

Lucky for us, at the rate moronic tourists are injuring themselves lately, they are already doing it for us.

NOTE: This story is satire and intended for entertainment only. Please don’t harm any tourists at Yellowstone, regardless of how stupid they may be.

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