How Wyoming Could Save Itself From The Yellowstone Volcano [SATIRE]
Since the ancient Greeks in 430 B.C., civilizations around the world have offered sacrifices to appease the gods. Two million years earlier, a series of eruptions formed a massive caldera under the area we now call Yellowstone National Park. Scientists estimate the last eruption of the so-called "Super Volcano" occurred nearly 640,000 years ago.
Are we due for another eruption?
A recent University of Utah study noted that the "size of the magma body beneath Yellowstone is significantly larger than had been thought." Clearly, we need some help to keep the supervolcano from blowing its top. Perhaps we should offer up another sacrifice to the heavens.
In ancient times, the weakest person in the village was given to the gods. These days, Wyoming's weakest links are stupid tourists who endanger wildlife and desecrate nature in their quest for the "perfect selfie."
This week, a man from Colorado was arrested after he was caught trespassing in Yellowstone National Park and urinating on Old Faithful. Three days later, he led the Cheyenne Police on a high-speed chase through a golf course and got locked up again.
If our society ever reverted back to ancient rituals, it would make sense to start with the someone like him. And since the supervolcano has been brewing for a couple million years, we can probably get by sacrificing only one touron annually.
NOTE: This story is satire and intended for entertainment only. Please don't harm any tourists, regardless of how stupid they may be.